The New Show
by ShadowMecha
Summary: A Star Trek Script in Five Parts. Involves unemployed Klingons, iPods, mimblewhimble, Chingy, and dancing Vulcans. Not particularly serious. Thanks to all who have R&Red so far!
1. I Want My Mommy!

Kirk: Spock, your singing, it's so...so...so _human_. 

Bones: I would say inhuman.

Spock: Thank you, doctor.

Bones: Darn it! Not like that.

Scotty: Cap'n, I think the turbonator's busted. Ah, tis all me fault!

Spock: A result of my own clumsiness.

Kirk: It's OK, you guys. We'll live. I'm JIM KIRK, remember!? Of course we'll be fine.

Spock: Somehow, I'm not comforted.

Bones: Ugh, me neither. Jim's a teesny bit stuck up.

Spock: Of course, it's true. Though his usual methods might not help us now.

Bones: What's that method?

Spock: Making out with a femal extra. How long should it take you to fix the turbonator, Scotty?

Scotty: Longer than we have. But I could always conveniently fix it in fifty-three minutes. Just so we can end the epsiode on ti-- er, I mean, so that we'll be able to escape from those Klingons.

Kirk: What Klingons?

Scotty: They'll show up. Trust me, laddy, they'll show up.

Kirk: Dang. Figured this would be too easy. Full speed ahead!

Chekov: But we can't move, sir. The turbonator's busted.

Kirk: Sure. Whatever. Then flounder uselessly in space for a while.

Chekov: Aye-Aye, sir.

Kirk: Aye-yi-yi is right, ensign.

Chekov: You know, this reminds me of when I was a little girl in Russia.

Bones: Litte _girl?_

Chekov: Boy. I meant boy.

(KIRK_ buries head in hands, whimpering softly_)

Kirk: How much longer must I put up with you people!?

(BONES_ leans real close to _KIRK'S_ ear and whispers_)

Kirk: (_Jumps to feet_) Fourty-seven minutes!?

Scotty: Ah can't take it any more! Good-bye, cruel Universe!

Kirk: Shut up. And fix that stupid turbonator, will you? (_Glares as _SCOTTY _heads for turbolift_) Honestly, sometimes I want to kill that man. Always hogging the drama which is rightfully mine.

Spock: That is not logical.

Kirk: And why not?

Spock: Dead men do not obey.

Bones: What are you telling us these things for?

Spock: While it is true that we have a wide range of possibilities for 53 minute skits, I think it would be better if we had a story where someone died and was then resurrected. Illogical, and yet

Bones: SHUT UP!

Scotty & Chekov: AYE!

Kirk: Scotty, go fix that darn turbonator. Or else!

Scotty: What'll ye do, laddie?

(KIRK_ whispers something in Scottish and the engeineer races off stage whimpering._)

Spock: Look!

Bones: Darkness is falling.

Kirk: No! I'm too young to die! I've kissed too few women and had my shirt torn to few times and if you must know, I want my mommy!

Spock: Captain. Be logical.

Kirk: But

Spock: It's the commercial break.

Kirk: Right. I knew that.

(THE CREW _nod and wink at each other, grinning behind their hands as the screen darkens on the first act_)


	2. Unemployment and Dramatic Gasps

Disclaimer : It's true, I don't own Star Trek. Or Mary-Kate and Ashley. By the way, I'm not Olsen bashing, it just seemed funny at 1 a.m. Maybe it's not. But oh well. I figured I should finish this dumb thing. Viola!

Kirk : My God, that was horrible. Not only was our show delayed for six month due to the fact that our current writer is a lazy wench, we also had to suffer through awful sixties commercials the entire time. Why do you suppose that is?

Spock : Because nobody reviews the author except that James chap and Bug and the people who read her LOTR stuff?

Bones (_sarcastically)_ : Gee, could that be it? Why would you think that? Geeze, you think people would learn.

Kirk : Plot, people, plot. Umm, well, Scotty can't have finished the turbinator yet, could he? So I'll call him and see how he's doing just to make him take longer. The ending will be more dramatic that way. Hey, Mr. Scott! What's up? How's it coming?

Scotty : Eh, the sputnikligig is still busted.

Kirk : I thought the problem was with the turbinator.

Scotty : I meant that.

Bones : And don't you usually have a scottish accent?

Scotty : Shaddap.

Kirk : Mmm-kay.

Chekov : Mr. Scott's a genius sir. There are Klingons out there. (_Points at the spiffy window_)

Spock (_lifts eyebrows_): Either that, or he and the Klingons are the only people besides me who ever read the script.

Kirk : Script?

Bones : So that's why you randomly pause in the middle of your dialogue all the time.

Kirk : And that's why you always say stupid things about human life and emotion.

Bones : Touché.

Klingons : Hell-o! We're over here!

Uhura : My god, it's Mary-Kate and Ashley!

Klingon No. 1 : Well, after that whole thing with me being bulimic and all, we were sort of cut out of the acting world.

Klingon No. 2 : dramatic gasp Can you imagine? And us practially doing this since birth.

Klingon No. 1 : Well it's your stupid fault.

Klingon No. 2 : dramatic gasp Was not!

Klingon No. 1 : dramatic gasp Was too!

Klingon No. 2 : dramatic gasp Shut up!

(_Catfight ensues as crew watches, more than a little shaken_)

Kirk : That was scary.

Spock : Most illogical.

Bones : YOU'RE scary, Mr. Spock.

Spock : Darn tootin'.

Bones : Excuse me?

Spock : I said that the ship's heading for a Nebula.

Bones : Yeah, right.

Spock : It's true, doctor.

Bones : You said "Darn Tootin'."

Spock : Oh, yes, that's true. But wee are heading for a Nebula.

Bones. : Ooooo-kay...

(SPOCK_ leans over and whispers something in _MCCOY'S_ ear._)

Bones : Er, I mean, No! That's so inhuman Spock.

Chekov : THAT'S what's inhuman. (_Points at _SPIFFY WINDOW. _Klingons are still fighting_.)

Bones : Too true. But we're all going to die!

Kirk : I can live with that.

Bones : Cannot. You'll be dead.

Kirk : Oh, you meant me too. Well then. Chekov, get us out of here!

Chekov : Captain, turbinator. Hell-o! (_Rolls eyes._)

Kirk : Didn't Scotty fix that darn thing yet?

Scotty : No, laddy.

Bones : You got your accent back.

Scotty : Aye. And if we're gonna avoid that Nebula, Cap'n, we'll need ta get some outside power.

Kirk : (_Obliviously_) Where?

Scotty : Dunno. (_Wanders off)_

Bones : My God, Jim, it's late. And the Author wants to go to sleep.

Kirk : I feel snubbed.

Bones : I wonder why? (_Rolls eyes_)

Kirk : Because nobody will read this story anyway?

Bones : Would you?

Kirk : dramatic gasp Would too!

Bones : dramatic gasp Would not!

Kirk : dramatic gasp Jerk!

Spock : dramatic gasp Shut up!

(_Curtain falls, then Scotty runs on stage._)

Scotty : Captain, captain, it's the turbinator! Captain...? Oh, well (_wanders off_)

If anyone actually reads this, thanks. If you love me, go read my HP story... I actually worked on that one. If you don't love me, too bad.


	3. Mimblewhimble

DISCALIMER: I don't own Kirk. I don't own Bones. I don't even own the mimblewhimble. That's © JK Rowling. (HP : SS "Uncle Vernon said something that sounded like 'Mimblewhimble'. Or something. Close enough.)

Kirk : We're back.

Bones : Mimblewhimble.

Kirk : Eh?

Bones : Mimblewhimble.

Kirk : What's that, Bones?

Bones : Mimblewhimble.

Kirk : I didn't catch that.

Bones : Mimblewhimble.

Kirk : What?

Bones : Mimblewhimble.

Kirk : What! The! Heck! Are! You! Saying!

Bones : Mimblewhimble! I keep saying mimblewhimble!

Kirk : Why?

Bones : No reason.

Kirk : That's dumb.

Bones : Mimblewhimble.

Kirk : Shut up!

Bones : More commercials.

Kirk : That act was pointless.

Bones : I know.

Kirk : Oh.

Bones : Hey, Jim?

Kirk : Yeah?

Bones : Mimblewhimble.

I had to do that. Sorry. Part 4 up soon. Even if you don't review. Oh well.


	4. The Way to Stop Those Klingons

SUMMARY : A Star Trek Script in Five Parts. Involves unemployed Klingons, iPods, mimblewhimble, Chingy, and dancing Vulcans. Not particularly serious.

DISCLAIMER : I don't anything but this Mac. That makes life easier. I don't even own the plot. But that's because there _is_ no plot. Just for fun.

Kirk : Yawn

Bones : WAKE UP!

Kirk : ARGH!

Bones : (_claps hands_) Fun fun fun.

Kirk : Was not.

Chokov : Hate to interrupt, but we're heading for the nebula.

Kirk : grumble grumble Ok, well, what are we gonna do?

Bones : You tell us.

Kirk : Bring me a cup of coffee.

(_Silence_)

Kirk : That SO did not work. Spock, run diagnostics on stuff.

Spock : 

Kirk : Hello? Spock?

Spock : 

Kirk : What! Is! Wrong! With! You! People!

Spock : Bum, ooh, you got da bum, bum a, ooh, yeah, you got da bum...

Kirk : Gee, really? Don't these pants make me look fat?

Spock : Sorry? Were you talking to me? I was listening to Chingy on my iPod.

Bones : Snicker.

Kirk : RUN DIAGNOSTICS!

Spock : You mean check out the nebula?

Kirk : (_snippishly_) Isn't that what I just said?

Spock : Not really. Diagnostics are

Kirk : (_Foaming_) Just! Do! It!

Spock : grumblegrumble Touchy.

Klingons : Oh crud, a nebula.

Kirk : Losers.

Klingons : What? We can just turn around. No biggie.

Kirk : Crud. Saaaaay... Ladies... whadda ya say we make a deal?

Klingons : Maaaaaaay-be.

Kirk : whisperwhisper

Klingons No. 1 and No.2 : Deal! Lock on to them, we're getting out of here!

Bones : So, Jim, how's it making out with the Olsen twins when they're in full prosthetics?

Kirk : Shut up.

Spock : It was merely a scientific question.

Kirk : Shut up.

Chekov : You're covered in girl lipstick.

Kirk : SHUT UP!

All : dramatic gasp Fine then!

That was fun. But just wait til Scotty comes back! Hee hee...


	5. The End, and Ever After, and Yawn

DISCLAIMER : I am poor. I don't own anything but a cardboard box and this Mac and Kirk's yawn. ALL MINE!!!

Kirk : Yawn

Spock : WAKE UP!

Kirk : ARGH!

Spock : That was mildly entertaining.

Krk : WAS NOT!

Bones : snicker Just wait 'til you hear what Scotty has to tell you.

Scotty : Well, you wouldn't listen. Eh, see, laddy... we could have left the nebula on our own power. I fixed the turbonator at the end of act two.

Kirk : WHAT!?

Scotty : Argh, kip off me, ye great lump o' a lad!

(_Kirk attacks Scotty, evidently trying to strangle him. _CAST_ wanders off in all directions, muttering among themselves. Spotlight ong _UHURA_ as she stands alone on stage, shaking head._)

Uhura : Well, the captain was right about one thing-- that certainly was dramatic.

(_Lights go out, then director wanders across stage._) All right, people, that's a wrap! Cut! That's the end! (_Sticks face almost against lens_) STOP ROLLING THE FILM! (_Darkness, silence. The curtain falls_)

That was fun. Please reveiw me, flame me, do something, please! Or just laugh. That would work too, I guess.

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STOP ROLLING THE FILM!


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